It was about 7 years ago now when yet again I had found myself with inner turmoil, with the feeling of Samvega and the intense desire to transition to a deeper peaceful awareness. I knew I had to let go of the thoughts and constant worrisome projection of where life was going, thoughts like was I going to make it, will I ever be happy and will I ever have peace.
I could now feel the strain running through me like a toxic guitar string being plucked, resonating fear and doubt throughout my mind and body. I was making myself sick and had started to realize that my thoughts, desires and deeply ingrained habits were the catalyst of all of my deep suffering.
I had built up a life full of contradiction, fear and doubt with beliefs systems that didn’t support peace, health and well-being.
I deeply needed to let go and uncover what it was I was yearning for so much, what could it be, what was it that my heart and soul so desperately needed?
The yearning for this “thing” this “something” was so real, I now know with every fiber and cell of my body that this was real, the very core of what I was and am was trying to uncover itself after being covered up for so long with layers of intricate delusional belief systems.
As a former drug addict and alcoholic who suffered with severe depression and anxiety my heart and spirit were telling me, no more, no more, it is time to seek some truth, my spirit had taken enough.
I had no idea at the time what it was that was calling me so intensely, more and more everyday now. But whatever it was, it felt like it was something I`d long forgotten, something greater than myself, something that I once called home in maybe another life time or maybe at the very start of this one, whatever it was I missed it deeply and needed it back.
I had no idea how to reach this “something” I so desperately needed. This “thing” was calling me and still right now today I cannot find the words to describe it`s subtle yet intense calling.
I had not realized that I had hit rock bottom, I had reached the limit of how much suffering I could take and was going through the beginning stages of an intense spiritual transition.
Almost everything that was unfolding back then was done in an unconscious manner but yet it all happened exactly how it needed to, I was indeed being guided by an intelligence that cannot be conceptualized by the ego of mind, especially the one I had constructed for myself.
It was the following summer and my dearest friend, who shared so many of the same experiences and the intense feelings of needing to transition to something purer, had been asking me if I wanted to visit a Buddhist monastery to practice meditation, “it might help us” he said.
This was to be the start of the beginning of one of the most profound, awe-inspiring discoveries and journeys I would ever uncover.
We were driving towards London and James put on the music and “it” had already started, it was as if the closer we got to the Monastery, we were realising that we were getting closer to that very subtle but awe-inspiring “thing” that we were yearning for, something very powerful was taking place.
This time the music we listened to was different, not something popular from the charts, not the “in” thing but a beautiful rendition of the Buddhist chant “Om Mani Padme Om”.
As that Mantra played something subtly beautiful was happening but it was just the beginning and nothing compared to what was coming.
We were about to discover a long-lost forgotten home and it carried the same feeling as the reuniting of a Mother and her lost baby, we were the babies and what was coming was the Mother, and it loved us and would cradle us just like one, in a purity and love long forgotten.
We walked into the Monastery and were greeted by the most beautiful, meek person I had ever met, everything felt different, it was as if everything was alive tenfold here. We had absolutely no choice but to be conscious of the magic that was taking place all around us, it was now to powerful to ignore.
James and I would look at each other with shock and a grin with a similar realization that something VERY special was happening and unfolding.
As we sat in a class of people all reaching for something similar to us I realized we were all trying to break free from suffering in our own right, this was a ritual, a practice for us Humans to come to our true self, we had all been on a journey and we were just trying to come home.
As we focused on our breathing, the thoughts started to still and eventually they would stop completely. I was becoming overwhelmed with a vibrating blissful energy flowing, surging through my body, it seemed other worldly but of course it was not.
I was experiencing what it meant to truly be at peace in that moment, to be still, I had arrived and it was so intense that tears streamed down my face of pure emotion and the love that was radiating through me.
For the first time ever, probably since this long hard journey from birth, I had arrived back home, like a lost baby that had been found, by its grieving Mother, we were reunited and it was the most intense, beautiful feeling.
This “home” was a thing I had long forgotten, but I`d found it again, home was of course… PRESENCE, stillness, consciousness, it was where the very essence of the creation of ALL things resides, and it was with me and I was with it, I was it and it was me.
I can only explain the feeling to probably liken the feeling of being back in the womb. Love was abundant and as I let go of thought and any perception of body I was connected to everything and everyone, I was the trees, I was the air I was expansive and powerful and I was more alive than I had ever felt and so were the others in the room.
We all have a potential to actually live in this way, and it can be achieved through continuous simple yet powerful meditative breathing practice.
The more you practice meditation the more you are able to still the thoughts, to see them as they are and to allow them to simply pass. For me my practice has been difficult, I, more than most struggle with what Buddhists call the Monkey mind, the constant chatter in our thought streams.
This blissful inner peace takes continued practice and I am most definitely not living in this state fully, day by day, I am of course on my journey but I am practicing everyday and with that practice comes more stillness and that stillness is what makes the space for the now, the present.
As someone who has suffered deeply with anxiety and insecurities meditation has been the one thing that has really helped me calm my mind and more than that it has helped me to see the true potential we all have as humans here on Earth, it has helped me see the true connectivity of us all.
When we meditate we don`t add anything, in fact it is a practice of letting go and just being, and in that being, that presence is where true life and true divinity reside and being there can be compared only to love with no boundaries, no judgement, one would say this is being with God, it`s more than pure bliss, it is indeed, simply the source of all things and it is immensely powerful and healing when practice is strictly followed.